I Am Who He Says I Am

Originally Posted June 24th 2018 by Barbara Howell.

I cried…sitting across from the Leasing Agent. It wasn’t an ugly cry, but it certainly wasn’t pretty either. The tears flowed freely and abundantly for a couple of minutes. I’m sure she thought I was crazy. Had she known I was a counselor, she might have assumed that I was a quack. But in that moment, I could not stop the tears from flowing…and I didn’t want to. It felt like I was losing my identity. No longer a homeowner… No longer a foster mother… Neither title is forever gone, but everything is in limbo and I simply don’t… like… limbo. I like to know what is going on to be able to adjust to it and feel comfortable with it. And as sure as I am about faith, I also struggle with the boundaries that determine my reality. If there aren’t solid perimeters that allow me to clearly see what is, I have to create the lines and choose. So, if I no longer own a Condo, if I no longer have a mortgage, then, well…in my mind, I’m homeless. Don’t laugh…that’s how an untamed mind sometimes works. Absolutes and extremes. But once I reel in my thoughts and add some logic to the mix, it is the very thing that I fear (not knowing) that helps me settle into the comfort of my faith. So, while I’ve had to readjust a couple of times, overall, I have had this whole ordeal (selling my house and trying to buy a new house) under control. I’ve had a peace about it that at one point made me question whether I should be worried about not being worried.

Then, as I sat across from the Leasing Agent, it hit me… I had come to grips with having so many unknowns in this process, but I never thought I would not find a house by the time I had to move out of my Condo, however, that is what is happening. And with that, the uncertainty of when I would find a new home, coupled with the decisions I have to make with everything in limbo, wondering if I made the right decision to sell, pondering all of the “what ifs”… and then there were those emotions. Those conflicting, sneaky, unapologetically invasive emotions that appeared out of nowhere. Everything just came bubbling up. Thankfully, when I realized where I was emotionally, I had my “Nope, Not Today” pep talk (in my head), and that helped me put things into perspective and allowed me to pull it together. The leasing agent apologized for not having tissue, as she handed me a brown fast food napkin. I apologized for crying, even though I wasn’t sorry for crying. I was, however, sorry that she felt uncomfortable with my tears. Then, after some formalities, I got in my car and I drove away…

And then, like clockwork, God spoke to my situation and confirmed my pep talk with a daily devotion from Joel Osteen, conveniently titled, “Titles Not Required”. With that, I was reminded that I am who He says I am. Seasons and situations are temporary, but my purpose and who He created me to be is every day, all day, regardless of the “stuff” that goes on around me. My identity is in He who created me. So, regardless if I own a house, have a child, make the wrong decision or sit in limbo grappling with the unknown, ultimately, He alone is my rock and my salvation…my stronghold, and I will not be shaken (Psalms 62:6). My faith is not determined or made strong by things going well, but in the uncertainty of what life brings, however it chooses to bring it. It’s that consistent reminder, and an occasional pep talk that is getting me through this. And while I can’t guarantee that I won’t tread these feelings again, I do know that feelings are not factual….and peace… peace is just a prayer away.

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